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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28717164">It Hurts Like Hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/agathaharknness/pseuds/agathaharknness'>agathaharknness</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:47:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,755</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28717164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/agathaharknness/pseuds/agathaharknness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Carol Danvers is Steve's only hope to see Tony again. If he's alive.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It Hurts Like Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I watched Captain Marvel again and it came to my mind, so I said, what if and why not?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“This is a nightmare,” Steve says, looking at the countdown in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The numbers are dropping considerably fast. The numbers of people Thanos decimate. Fifty percent of the population, exactly what he promised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve had better nightmares,” Natasha whispers, her hands clenching at the edge of the desk. Her eyes are watering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They failed. That’s consuming them. This feeling burning inside of them, a feeling Steve could not name it, but he knows for sure it’s dangerous. They can’t be impulsive, they can’t let it consume them, otherwise, it will turn them into ashes. Tear them apart again, as it did two years ago in Siberia.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Siberia. Steve sighs at the thought of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Steve turned around to face Rhodes at the doorway. “So that thing just stopped doing whatever the hell it was doing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve exchanged a look with Natasha. That thing looked like some kind of communicator, blinking incessantly with red, blue, and a gold star in the middle of it. They found it when they were on their way to the compound. It was Natasha who spotted Fury’s van, but there was no sign of Fury. Or Maria Hill, which they knew was accompanying Fury when they looked for evidence in the car and found her documents. It was also Natasha who had the best, most attentive eyes, she was a spy, after all, so she was the one who found the communicator behind the car, sending a sign, apparently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, it’s been so long since he stepped in that compound. The place he once called home. No, this place is his home. It always has been. Because home is where your heart is, right? He left his heart here two years ago. He left his heart behind and broke the one who loved him back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What we’ve gotten?” Natasha asks, stopping in front of the device.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever signal it was sending, it finally crapped out,” Bruce explains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought we bypassed the battery,” Steve said. God, he hates it. If only Tony was here… No, no, he can’t think about him right now. He can’t let his mind wander.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We did. It’s still plugged in and it just stopped,” Rhodes says. Right, they still have Rhodes and Banner here, they could figure it out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reboot it,” Steve looked away. “Send the signal again.” He’s determined.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t even know what this is,” Bruce tries to argue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fury did,” Natasha retorts. “You just do it, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve knows how much she trusts in Fury, knowing that he was gone, it probably wasn’t easy for her. Steve had seen her once when they thought Fury had died, that the winter soldier killed him. She had been devastated, then relieved when they figured out it was all a plan. Now, she was hiding well. But they all were hiding their feelings. They were the Avengers, they had to deal with this shit. Save the world. Feelings were not allowed out there. They could only feel their losses in the silence of their rooms in this compound. Later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, his room. Steve had avoided it since he put his feet back in that compound. There were so many memories in that room. He needed to know. He just needed to know, but he could not voice it out loud.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me the second you get a signal. I want to know who’s on the other end of that thing,” Natasha concludes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she turns back, Steve knows where she’s going. She’s going to watch the numbers dropping around the globe. A constant reminder of their failure. But it’s not that that happens. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Fury?” The woman caught them by surprise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How could he not listen to her? The serum had improved everything in him, yet, he was not able to listen to her enter the room. Steve looks at her clothes, red, blue, and that gold star in the middle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fury was sending the signal to you,” he blurted out, aware of all the eyes on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s he?” the blonde steps forward to where the communicator is lifeless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gone,” Natasha says. The blonde woman turns to look at Natasha, a deep furrow between her brows. She’s a stranger and she does not trust them, so she has all the reasons to not believe in any words they are saying. “Who are you?” Natasha adds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who are you?” The woman crosses her arms, arching a brow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We are the Avengers,” Steve says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s an initiative project Fury created years ago. The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people. According to him, they intended to see if we could work together when they needed us to fight the battles they couldn’t.” Natasha explains all at once. Steve’s surprised by how easy she did it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve heard of that,” the woman tilts her head, walking back to the doorway. “I’m Carol Danvers,” she says. “Is there a place where we can talk?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They told her everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moment they knew Thanos was collecting the stones until the moment Thanos got the last stone, the mind stone from Vision, and snapped, turning half of the universe into dust. The moment Carol Danvers got the signal, she flew back to Earth, which means she had no idea how the other planets were doing after the snap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“World governments are in pieces…” Natasha was saying, but Steve wasn’t listening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though he was doing his best to focus on anything else, his mind was always pulling him back to the same thought. Was he alive? He needed to know. Had he turned into dust far from everyone who loved him? Steve didn’t want to accept this thought. He couldn’t. He could never forgive himself for letting him alone years ago, bleeding, far from home. He needed to know if he’s alive.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not that anyone knows. They’d been discreet. Living in the same place was an advantage for sure, but they still need to be careful. They did not want anyone to know back then because they had no idea how the team would have reacted if they knew that Captain America and Iron Man were more than teammates. They stood for the most discreet ways to exchange affection in public, brushing their fingers on the corridors, touching each other shoulders, walking side by side, exchanging small smiles, or even blowing kisses from the other side of the room, Tony mostly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tony used to stay up until late, that’s how they generally met each other. In the secrecy of Stark’s lab, or in their rooms, mostly Steve’s room. Tony said that he liked the place, the simple decorations in there, the smell of Steve’s everywhere in that room. Tony would curl in the blankets and sniff them while they sleep. There. That room was their shrine. The place where more than brushing fingers or stares happened. Steve would kiss desperately, urgent, avid for touching. Then, Tony would tease him, talk dirty in his ear while his hands would run through Steve’s body. And they would make love because there was no other way for Steve to define what they did in that room if it wasn’t for love. It was a fire that would consume them blindly. In the next moment, they would be panting, moaning, kissing as they make a mess of themselves on Steve’s blankets. He didn’t mind though, neither Tony.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tony would snuggle closer to Steve’s chest, and the soldier would happily wrap his arms around Tony’s thin frame. They would talk, about missions, the things they liked and disliked, about life. About marriage one night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart warms with the thought of marrying Tony one day. If the Accords hadn’t happened, if Siberia hadn’t happened, perhaps they could have lived this life. Steve likes to think that they would. It was Tony would propose because Steve always gets nervous when he has to talk about serious things, so Tony would just blurt it out. It would not be a big ceremony, only for close friends, Tony’s friends, and perhaps some SHIELD people they work with. Tony would take them to a tropical country for the honeymoon because he knew how much Steve hated the cold. They would build a farm like Tony had talked once, referring to Clint’s house. Stay out of the spotlights for a while. It sounds like a dream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve wishes he hadn’t screwed up after Siberia. He had his reasons, and so does Tony.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanos wiped out fifty percent of all living creatures,” Natasha concludes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pictures of their teammates showing on the project. Steve notices Danvers’ watery eyes when she sees Fury’s picture. The soldier wonders why Fury had never mentioned her to them, even though he seemed to have mentioned the Avengers Initiative to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have an idea where he might be?” Rhodes asks, obviously to Danvers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There are a lot of planets out there, he can be anywhere,” Danvers states the obvious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wants to sigh in frustration, but he holds himself back. At this right moment, there’s only one person he wants to know where is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can ask around. I know people who might,” she sighs, rubbing her temple. “I need to check out other planets, friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Natasha nods comprehensively. There’s nothing any of them can do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re going back up there?” Bruce asks, seeming a little confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to. I’ll be back soon, but if you had any information before me, you can use Fury’s communicator to call me out,” Danvers explains, and everyone nods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Natasha turns off the projection, heading out of the room with Bruce on her heels. Rhodes takes an abandoned newspaper and walks out. Thor is too focused on his own thoughts on the other side of the room to acknowledge Danvers and Steve’s presence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Danvers,” Steve calls, the blonde raises her eyes from whatever system is embedded on her suit. “I need a favor,” Steve observes when she tilts her head curiously. Steve takes his phone out of his pocket, lighting the screen. He smiles softly at the photo of them together there. “I need you to find this man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Danvers moves forward to take a good look at the photo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who is he?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His name is Tony. Tony Stark. He’s… one of our teammates,” Steve says, ignoring the way his heart clenches inside his chest at the mention of his love’s name. “He went to outer space when this began. We had not heard of him since then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you know if he’s still alive?” Danvers asks, still looking at the photo. So she doesn’t notice when Steve swallows, his mouth suddenly dry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It’s Tony, he’s…” he doesn’t know what to say. Steve takes a deep breath. “Just look around for him, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roger that,” Danvers said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve looked at his reflection in the mirror. It’s been twenty days. Nothing. He got nothing from Danvers. He was frustrating. Actually, they were all frustrating. Steve sighed, putting down the razor and using a towel to clean the remnants of the aftershave. He looked at the mirror again. Then, he notices it is trembling, and a big noise can be heard at some distance. Steve furrowed, looking up. What the hell now?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He met Natasha, Bruce, and Rhodes on the way outside the compound, where a sparkly woman, known as Carol Danvers, is bringing down a spaceship. Steve feels his heart clenching as he watches her putting it on the ground. Safe and sound. The look she gives to him it’s enough for him. Tony is alive.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as the door of the spaceship opens, Steve runs in its direction, seeing a blue woman, robot? He wasn’t sure. Whatever. Guiding Tony down to the ground. His heart is pounding loudly in his ears, he feels relieved but also worrisome at Tony’s state. His thin frame is weakened. He walks with difficulty, and he does not mind or say anything when Steve takes him from the blue creature, although he looks at her in a way to assure her that’s fine. Steve wraps his arm around Tony’s waist, supporting him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t stop him,” Tony mutters in a husky voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Neither could we,” Steve says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tony stops suddenly, looking at Steve’s eyes, and the soldier couldn’t help but notice his eyes watering. God, he’s so fragile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I lost the kid,” Tony mutters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve looks at him, his love, unsure of how to comfort him. He had seen the kid only once in that airport in Germany two years ago, but he could see that the boy from Queens was important to Tony.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tony, we lost,” he says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God. He just wants to kiss him again, tell him that everything’s going to be fine, they’ll figure it out. He just wants to comfort him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, the others join them. Thankfully, Tony doesn’t let go of Steve as he talks to Rhodes and asks questions to Bruce and Natasha who formally answer them when they can, as well as Tony answers their questions regarding what happened out there. Steve wants them to shut up, and let Tony get some rest first, but he can’t do that. He can’t because no one knew about them before, he can’t because he and Tony are nothing to each other anymore and it hurts like hell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tony takes a proper shower, though he hadn’t shaved, Steve notices. They explain everything to Tony, along with updates to Danvers. Steve makes a mistake, he knows it’s a mistake as soon as the words leave his mouth. Then, Tony is walking in his direction and insulting him. Steve does not say anything back, he can’t. Tony has the right to say whatever the hell he wants to throw in his face, and Steve listens to all in silence, every single word coming out of Tony’s mouth. God, he feels so stupid when Tony takes his wrist and puts the reactor in his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tony!” Steve exclaims when the other man staggered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” Tony mumbles, pushing away both Steve and Rhodes’ hands before he faints on the ground.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bruce gave him sedatives. He’s gonna be out for the rest of the day,” Rhodes declares to Steve, Natasha, and Carol waiting at some distance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve looks down. He blames himself. Maybe, if he wasn’t so stupid if he hadn’t said those words. Maybe… it’s just a lot of maybes. There’s so much happening all at once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You guys take care of him. When I come back, I’ll bring a bottle of Xorrian elixir.” Carol says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve furrows, looking up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are you going?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To kill Thanos.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Natasha runs behind her. They are discussing when Nebula states that she knows where Thanos is. It looks simple. Too simple. And Steve knows beforehand that nothing comes this easy in life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they suit up, he can’t stop thinking about going up there, to outer space, and leaving Tony here behind. Of course, he does not wish Tony to come with him after all the time he spent in space while Steve was worried on Earth. He wishes he could talk to Tony before he goes, just in case. However, Steve makes a mental note to talk to Tony as soon as he’ll be back. They need to talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Going to outer space is magic, but also terrifying. Being far from the people we love is terrifying. Steve finds the strength to go forward. To the Garden. To face Thanos with so many expectations.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is going to work, Steve,” Natasha says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve is looking at the compass where a picture from his love is resting inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it will,” then, he looks at Natasha. “Because I don’t know what I’m going to if it doesn’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And just like that, they go to the ground. They find Thanos, acting as a farmer who woke up too early to reap his supplements. But it’s also this simple that they discover that the stones are gone. Reduced to atoms, as Thanos said before Thor cut off his head with the Stormbreaker.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s no hope. Not anymore. All those people are gone. It weighed on their balance. Steve finds himself incapable of breathing, but he can’t show weakness in front of his team. It’s done, and there’s nothing they can do to reverse that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That day, after being back from whatever planet they’ve been, Steve locks himself in his room. He can’t face the world. He feels like a coward. Yet, he is well-aware that he needs to show strength to the others, so maybe they move on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He fell asleep. After days of napping around, he finally fell asleep on his bed. His bed. The term does not seem correct. He had shared this bed with Tony so many times before, it was more their bed than his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wakes up to see that the night has fallen. Steve rinses his face to push the sleep out of him. At this time, the others should be reuniting in the common kitchen. Steve should join them, despite not being hungry, he enjoys the company of his teammates, but he has more important business to take care of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, his business is nothing less than Tony Stark himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve should have checked on him when he came back, but he couldn’t. His mind was full of thoughts, negative ones, even though Tony is always the best to help him through these, he could never bother him. Tony should focus on his recovery.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve stops in front of Tony’s room for a while. It’s been so long since he has been here. He wishes things could’ve been different two years ago. They would not have lost so much time being apart. Uncertain of what he's about to do Steve knocks on the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s a bad idea. He should’ve never gone there. What if Tony is sleeping? Steve could be bothering him, oh he hated that idea. But what if Tony was willing to listen to what he has to say? What if Tony still blames him for everything? What if. What if. So many what-ifs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve looked down, then turned around to walk away when the door swung open. Tony supported his weight against the door frame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve?” Tony said, a furrow between his brows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tony,” Steve nodded. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t bother you while you’re resting--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something happened?” Tony stepped forward, though he’s still leaning against the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve ponders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We found Thanos,” it’s the first thing that comes out of Steve's mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He should not tell this right now, Tony’s in recovery. He almost died in the space, this mere thought is enough to make Steve’s heart clenched in his chest. He could have lost Tony, Steve thought just to correct himself. You lost him when you left him in Siberia.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thor killed him, but… he destroyed the stones.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm,” Tony looked to his feet. “That’s bad, too bad. That’s--” Tony sobbed low, and Steve realized that Tony was crying. He had never seen him cry before, not even when they were… together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tony was crying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His Tony.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve closes the gap, wrapping his arms around Tony. It feels like home again. Having Tony in his arms. Tony sobs, his fragile frame trembling in Steve’s arms as the soldier runs his hand up and down his back to soothe him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re gonna find a way Tony,” Steve presses a kiss on the top of his head. “This is what we always do, darling.” Steve wants to curse for using a pet name, but he ignores his impulses and enjoys the moment till Tony is not trembling anymore. He does not want to leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stay,” Tony mutters, staring up at him. “Just--please, Steve. Stay. I’ve--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tony,” Steve starts to say. He wants to stay, and now Tony is asking him, so why is he so hesitant about it? Is it not what he wanted? Tony, safe and sound at home. Back in his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. Fuck. I said a lot of bullshit because I was angry. We fucked up. But I--” Tony sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I needed you, Steve. I need you,” Tony whispers, his voice almost failing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve gives in. He can’t control his impulses. He can’t. So he does not regret it when he cups Tony’s cheeks, getting closer, then kissing him. He feels relief when Tony’s tongue meets his instead of the brunet pulled away as Steve thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, Steve is pushing him into the room, rushing in an urgent and long kiss. The door closes behind Steve’s back, but none of them cares about it. Not when their hands are exploring each other’s body, acknowledging each other’s touch again. Tony grabs in Steve’s hair, longer than usual. Steve pants with the touch, pushing Tony on the bed, carefully getting on top of him, pressing his weight against Tony.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They shouldn’t take it further. No. Tony is still healing and they need to talk. Take things slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tony,” Steve says against his mouth. “We shouldn’t--” Tony pulls away, panting, staring straight into his blue eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. Right,” the brunet says, rubbing his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve, however, lays by his side on the bed, caressing Tony’s hair, he can’t help but notice the grey strands appearing there. Tony faces him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We messed up,” Steve says. Tony only nods. “Maybe if we have talked--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We would still disagree,” Tony interrupts him, then smiles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve laughs. That’s right. They would have disagreed as they always do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have to start over.” Steve looks at Tony, giving him hopes. “There has to be a way of undoing this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm.” Steve closes his eyes. The smell is the same he remembers. Everything in this room seems to be the same way it was the last time Steve had been here. Oh boy, he wishes they could go back to what they were.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve frowns when he feels a kiss on the tip of his nose. He opens his eyes, finding Tony closer than before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want it?” Tony asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Steve is confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Start over,” Tony states as if it was obvious. “Us, I mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you serious?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More than I’ve been in my life,” Tony grins. “Look, we made a huge mess, but we are better figuring it out together. We work better together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve holds Tony’s hand, pressing it against his lips, a smile starting to appear on his pink lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Tony.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too, Cap.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Say 'hello' on my <a href="http://agathaharknness.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>.</p><p>Thank you for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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